Feeling very regret

This have been a long time since i touch back this blog. I never tot that i will be touching this blog ever again since have friendster. But well, it seem i did it today. I really regret on my past right now cause i made my love one left me. It were all my fault where i betray her love towards me by fall to other girl. But in the end, before i really work up with that girl. I realize that she is not the one for me and my babe, Ting Ting is. I realize that i love her very much. But all because of I handle it wrongly where we break up during our most important final exam. I made her grade drop 1 level which makes her hate me more. She and her family were those education type. They look education as a very important aspect. And because of all this, even though i realize that the one i truly love is her, it's all too late... She dun love me anymore. She told me she totally dun love me anymore... It hurts me like hell, I would like to directly suicide that day.

Now it's been 2 month after we break... and I have suffer from major depression disorder now. Loving someone that doesn't love you back at all it very suffering. Whenever u think she is close with another guy, u feel jealous and will be sad and depress. Because of thinking about such things, I've been crying like hell constantly. I knew a guy shouldn't cry but i cant stop it from flowing out of my eyes. I really love her... One of my friend said, "is not worth it even though you love her back and u suffering like this. If she love you, she won't made me suffer like this." Ya I know that well, I'm suffering because she dun love me anymore. Ya, i may seem stupid fro some of you there reading my blog because i'm loving a girl that does not love me anymore and fall for other guys. But the choice is mine and who i love is my choice. Even though i know i have no hope, won't be happy and will be suffering for sure. I still choose to love her because i know, she really is, my true love. I will continue to love her till my last breath in this cruel world which eventually taught her to be cruel to me. I'm not blaming others here. I'm only blaming myself on this because it ended up like this all because of me who handle it wrongly, who betray her love. I'm a jerk, a scum, a low life being. From time to time... i would really want to go far away from this place and finish up my life because it is really very suffering. But, I still have my mom who i need to take care of and I also dun want her to be sad for me and felt guilty for it even though is not her fault because to suicide or not is my choice. I may seem very stupid in love. Yes i truly were stupid cause i let it ended up like this. Every day and night, I've been missing her... looking back at our pictures together, i cried... looking back at the things that she bought for me and made for me, I cried because it helds no meaning anymore... looking back at her belonging that still at my place brings back memories of us being together, felt happy for a second but then when focus back on present, she had already part away from me... felt damn sad... depressing and regret on what I did were all I did...

Ended up now, I'm having Major Depressive Disorder plus with a high fever where i did not plan to eat any medicine... Let's see when will i be hospitalize or i can still go on like usual. Alot of strange pain occurred inside my body frequently now. My injured place, my stomach, my head, and especially, my heart and my chest. It is all Hurt like hell. Is not that i dun take care of my health, I've already done what i can. It still end up this way, I can't control it. As I'm doing muti (eat only plain water and plain rice), I'm not allow to take medicine. So let's see how many days more till I collapse. Thats all for now folks... See whether I still have chance to touch this blog ever again or not...