Watching movie...

Yesterday evening, i went out to time square borders and read book. By Dale Carnagie. It was a nice book. Then i went to marathon movie, watchmen and marley & me from 8:30pm until 1:30am. Smsed a person to join me but no reply so i went ahead and watched alone like usual. The movie were not that bad, the plot were ok. The weird thing that occurred to me was that i ain't goin to even have teary eyes when marley die where uually i would since i'm a sentimental person... LOL. Didn't even think of that.

On my way back home, which i choose to walk rather than drive, i felt that the darkness bring me fear and yet a comfort feeling generated out of the fear... Lonesome night sometimes is good... I did tried to smsed out and see who were out there still awake at that hour and only SP replied. She were having frinks with her friends, thus I ain't goin to disturb her. Met with Garry and Patrick on my way back, thus joined them for a mamak eat out for awhile before went back home.

Reached home around 2:40am, then without open the light, felt the darkness around me while i lie down on the floor for about an hour... Then woke up and went on sleep back on my bed...

Awake in the morning by sms from my dear, asking me if got anything that i smsed her yesterday night. Replied her with "i'm ok after rest" and then she invited me to have lunch with her later. But due to I'm still quite sleepy, i replied her late. She end up went on out with her sister. And I'm alone again, due to the sleepy me.

Life was like that... Probably will go for movie again later... depends....

Life of Leo's continue...

Yesterday went to Aloha to help my friend while have some fun myself. Instead, witness how horrible is it a woman can be when she drunk + being accused of things she didn't admit of. It open my eyes. The purpose i went there at 1st is to calm down my feeling by drinking alcohol due to me emotional sadness after heard of certain things... Even now i also feel a bit sad... But i know i should be happy as long as she is happy. So i will try my best to be happy as i know she happy. I really dunno whether i can be happy or not, could i really be? should I? I really don't know... What i know was that I still have heart for her... To make myself happy, or better say, to pretend to be happy is easy but can i really do it? This pretend happy thing... I guess I'll not achieve true happiness anymore... Loving someone too deep sure is painful... I will try my best to be happy even i have to pretend it my whole life. It still hurts when i thinking back of the things going to happen... emotional sadness can't be avoid yet i have to be happy at the same time cause she happy... Will i be able to do it? Am i strong enough to? Malcolm... be strong...

Friends in My Life...

Those who knew me will know that I put friends at a very high level in my life. Friends were very important to me. But during these few days especially today, there were total of 3 friends that going to decrease their level and might leave me... I really couldn't withhold the triple hurt i experienced. It's very sad. One was my dear, one was my ex and one was my friend. All three of them were having a good friendship with me until these few days... Some were from best friend to just friend, some from friend to nothing. One neglected me and enjoyed herself. Life s*cks when it come to losing friends for me.
Felt really down and sad here... If tomorrow no need to work, I'm sure I'll get drunk tonight. Anyhow, I know I have to move on no matter what happened. Guessed that was my punishment given by god. I used to lose 1 important friend... It's really hurt... Now 3... I really hope I can cope with it...

Attcked by Past Memories...

I've been attacked by my past memories these few days. It made me unable to concentrate on works and unable to focus on my life. I really didn't felt happy or cheerful these few days. Just now I read back the sms-es that she sent to me before. I already felt extremely sad when i read the 1st message... And tears started to flow even though I was at public place... After reached home, i put on courage to read all of it. Which lead to me crying... I understand that everything was past. And there is something that can’t be undone… I respect her decision…

Well, I will try my best to be cheerful back. ^^. Just hope that less and less attack will be made.

Apart from being attacked by past memories, my life weren’t happy at all these few days due to other factors. One of them was my attempt to move on. Others due to friendship problems and my character/personality problems…

It is hard enough even though I want to have a peaceful and cheerful life…

Loving is Hurting

As my previous blog said, I’m going to take action. But after today, i guess i really can't move on like others do. I didn't dare to put out my heart again. I already feel the pain and hurted even when i open my door to let my heart feels the sunshine. Living in darkness is more suitable for me. Really loving someone truly will make yourselves hurt. When realize someone I truly love, it's too late for me... Loving is Hurting for me. I vow not to love anymore to prevent any unnecessary pain or hurt till the day god forgives me and never play a fool with me again.

My Driving Life...

Well, to be frank with those read my blog, this is the 3rd or 4th times i drived my car. Still very nervous and "sei for" for sometimes. But from time to time, i gradually feeling better. Manage to drive it safely at the least though my friend scold me drive too fast especially Patrick, he said if i drive fast like this, he might have heart attack ><><.

I drove to somewhere near the "maktab tentera diraja" then go to sg long with Patrick companion at 1st. Then he drove other car while on the way back. Left me drove alone. But everything went well. He also compliment me good at following others car. Felt happy caused got compliment but still in the end, very nervous. Need to drive more before i dare to fetch my girl (if i have one -_-)

Then we ended up ate steamboat at ketam and lastly we went "back to home" cafe (Fun OK Cafe). Which can be translate at go back home cafe. Fetch Eric back to ketam there for his car then i drove back home and parked it. HOME SAFELY ^^

To my surprise, my dad stay awake until i reached home only he went to sleep. Some more, there were some of his apprentice accompanied him waited for me to reach. I felt guilty to go home late. That time was 1pm...

As to my private social life. I've been name as "playboy"... i felt sad and hate myself. I unconsciously changed into a "playboy" just to make myself being happy whereby i disturb all the girls that i met. After being told that, i stop my behavior now and go back to my sad self... Faking myself to be happy will bring negative images to self. Maybe my ways were wrong but i really hate to be called "playboy" caused i didn't want to end up like my cousins, dad, uncle and grandpa... My bloodline all this while were playing around with gals... I really didn't want to end up like them.

I really didn't want to break the promise i made with her even though that promised were made when i still being with her, as her bf, that i will love her forever. Even after she found a new bf and moved on. I still want to keep this promise... I know i'm stupid all this while...

I'm a person that hunger for companion and love. Being alone made me sick and sad. I'm planning to break the promise as she clearly chosen him over me... didn't really care about me as her friend anymore. The feeling of hurt and sadness were very extreme... But i know i've to move on somehow... Accepting the facts and moving on now as I believed there is someone that managed to move my heart...

Thats all for now folks.
Good night and have a sweet dreams ya ^^

Valentine's Day on 2009

This year valentine's, i couldn't spent it with her anymore... as she has decided to spent it with another person and not me. Though i felt very sad but in the end, i spent it with my dear god-sister in the morning till noon and on noon, i got to spent my time with chris and joyce. Eric and Patrick come after i met them up. They were late. We (chris, joyce and me) went to eat sushi king. Both of them were eating happily but not me... I don't know why i couldn't get back the happy feeling when i eat sushi anymore. The feeling was not there anymore. There might be 2 factor for this, 1st is because she is not with me anymore and the 2nd, i couldn't eat my favourite fish ><. Well, all in all i still manage to fill up my stomach with tempura, kappa maki, chawanmushi and a cha soba. It's still better to eat at sakae sushi where it have tenzaru soba (don't know spell it right or not). My life is changing, that what i were sure of. (Eric come after we finished eat). Then we went to hunt my presents. It takes some times and i hope she like it. I bought it for someone who still care about me from her heart and didn't lie to me. To my special friend, my dear Venise. I wish her have a wonderful and unforgettable Valentine's with her boyfriend.
We went for a movie after that. We watched Valkyrie which the ticket seller told me is an action movie but instead it was some art and historical movie which words were more than action. Some of my friend were not keen to watch this kinda movie... I felt bad that i chosen then wrong movie -_-"...
Anyhow, whats make this years valentine's so special was that we discover something which most of the time only heard from fairy tales or some fantasy like drama/movie. Eric and Joyce were actually relatives to each other ><. They met when they were still very young to each others, growing up in the same community and seperated around the ages of 7 or 8. Living their own life and now, on this wonderful day, they discovered each others back. After around 15 years, they were brought back together by fate (which in this case might be chris and me ^^). How their story will go on depends on them now ^^. Becoming a best friend? Who knows ^^.
Another great things about today was that i didn't touch any alcohol which i thought i would probably drink till drunk. It might symbolize a good start for me... since now malcx has gone...

Signed, Celosse